Question: I am writing you because my boyfriend of two years and I are arguing more than ever. The reason we are arguing so much is because he wants me to stop hanging out with my ex-boyfriend, but I don’t want to. My boyfriend says that it makes him feel weird, but I told him that he is just being paranoid. I know that my boyfriend has been cheated on in past relationships, but I have never cheated on any boyfriend that I have had, and I never will. I don’t see where the threat or insecurities could be stemming from.
My ex-boyfriend is just my friend now. We only dated for three months and we even laugh at it now, because we were so wrong for each other lol. Yes, we were intimate during the time we dated, but I look at him as a brother now. To top it off, my ex-boyfriend even has a new girlfriend now, and she seems to be ok with us spending time. I understand that I am not always right and I may not be seeing everything correctly. My boyfriend has threatened to leave me if I don’t stop hanging out with my Ex. I’m confused on what to do because I don’t want to lose either. Am I wrong for hanging out with my ex-boyfriend?
Cavalli’s Advice: Hello, and thank you for writing in. In regards to your last question, hanging out with your ex-boyfriend is not wrong, but ignoring your current boyfriend’s requests are. The is no written law that says that “Thou shalt not hang out with thy ex-boyfriend”. Everything you said makes logical sense as to why you don’t feel that it is wrong to spend time with your Ex. However, you must put yourself in your boyfriends shoes and see where he is coming from. You must keep in mind that most men are protective and territorial, so he may look at your Ex as a threat even though you feel your Ex is harmless. You DID have feelings for him at one time, and it’s not impossible for it to happen again.
My father (who has been married for 40 years) always taught me that in marriage you treat your partner as you would like to be treated. Be honest with yourself. Would you like if your boyfriend was still spending time with his Ex-girlfriends? You might start questioning why he desires to still spend time with them. You might question if he is still attracted to them. You may also question if they are still secretly being intimate. Research has shown that 85% of the people that desire to spend time with their ex- boy/girlfriends do so because they are getting a void filled that their current boy/girlfriend is not fulfilling.
One major key to having a healthy relationship is protecting your partners heart (emotions) and making their peace of mind your priority. Since your boyfriend has clearly said that he does not feel comfortable with you spending time with your Ex it would be best to honor that, for peace sake. If you love your boyfriend and plan on marrying him then he should be a priority over your Ex. You should explain to your Ex the situation at hand, and he should respect your wishes to create that distance. For the record, I would advise your boyfriend to do the same if the shoe was on the other foot.
I understand that this decision may hurt and be hard to make, but it has to be done. You’re in jeopardy of losing the man you love for the man you liked. Don’t give up your future for a past mistake. Continue to make peace a priority in your relationship and I promise that your arguments will be at an all time low. I wish you both the best and hope to hear from you soon.