Question: I am writing you because I am at a major crossroad in my life and I don’t know what to do. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for three years and I love her very much. I know that the next natural step would be to marry my girlfriend, but my heart is torn right now. It’s torn because I have started developing feelings for another woman. I haven’t cheated on my girlfriend in any physical way, but I feel that may happen soon if I don’t make a decision of who I ultimately want to be with. This other woman that I have developed feelings for is a colleague of mine. I don’t think that either of us purposely meant to get involved but we just enjoy each other’s company so much. We always are together at work and then we would always go out with the team after work. It’s not long before the rest of the team always leaves and it is just me and her at the bar. As of late she has told me that she has feelings for me, and I would change the subject so I didn’t have to say it back.
The truth is, I do have feelings for her and they are only growing. My current girlfriend is great in a lot of ways, but our relationship seems a bit stagnant and dull. This other woman makes me feel alive and excited again! She gets a lot of the jokes my girlfriend doesn’t, and she listens to my problems when my girlfriend just dismisses them. I really care about them both and don’t want to hurt either one, but I also realize that I can’t keep them both. This has been going on for months and I just want to do what’s right before I lose them both. What should I do?
Cavalli’s Advice: Thank you for writing in. Your situation is a bit tricky, but also quite common. I’m glad that you have not physically cheated on your girlfriend, but spending that much time with another woman while being intellectually intimate with her is not much better. I’m sure if your current girlfriend knew that you were spending that much time with another woman, that has made it clear that she has feelings for you, she would NOT be happy at all.
The first thing you need to do in this situation is figure out who you actually want to be with for the long run. This other woman seems fun now, but you might get tired of being with her six months down the road. I want to warn you about “the greener grass”. As you may have heard, the grass is not always greener on the other side. Everyone has their own problems and issues. You will have to deal with something with every and any person you are involved with. Sit down, and really figure out who you want. You have also invested a lot of time with your current girlfriend. Do you really want to throw that away for a possible office fling? I understand that your current girlfriend may not do everything right or as good as this other woman, but my question to you is, “Have you communicated what you would like her to change”? Sometimes we don’t always know that we are doing something wrong until someone who loves us points it out and helps us make that change. If you haven’t tried that yet, then I would not advise you to call it quits just yet.
Finally, after you decide who you truly want long term you must IMMEDIATELY communicate that to whichever women you have chosen to let go. It would be immoral and selfish to continue leading both women along when they could go off and be happy with a man that gives them all of his undivided attention. Honesty is always the way to go. Make your decision and then be clear and be honest. I wish you the best. Please keep me posted on how things turn out.