If you feel like being communicative, consistent, and intentional is actually hurting your dating life rather than helping it, you are not alone. According to Alex Enrique, a doctoral candidate from Chicago who researches emotions, emotionally available daters are facing a unique struggle in the modern dating landscape of 2026.
Enrique took to TikTok to break down why healthy dating habits are suddenly being viewed as red flags, and why secure daters are fleeing the apps in droves.
The “Roster” Culture vs. Intentionality
Enrique argues that the collective baseline for dating has shifted drastically. Because modern daters are “rewired” to expect uncertainty, “rostering,” and “churn,” the practice of cycling through potential partners quickly, genuine consistency feels foreign.
When an emotionally available person shows up with clear communication, boundaries, and follow-through, it can be jarring for someone used to low-effort interactions.
“I think that that can be conflated with pressure,” Enrique explains. He notes that many people are accustomed to not hearing from someone for 36 hours or only receiving last-minute date invites. Consequently, when someone acts right, it feels wrong.
@apark10 daters are down bad in 2026 #dating #emotions #hinge #bumble ♬ original sound – Alex Enrique
“When someone is actively doing the things that we know deep down a lot of us are seeking, people are like, ‘Wait, this is a bit much. This person’s intense,'” Enrique says. Conversely, when a situation is ambiguous or “fugacious” (fleeting), it feels safer because there is no pressure attached.
The Rise of the “Chalant” Dater
Enrique introduces the concept of the “chalant” dater, the opposite of the “cool,” detached, nonchalant persona that dominates dating apps. These are the people who are intentional and seek clarification early on to avoid wasting time.
However, in a culture of ambiguity, this directness backfires. Enrique points out that asking for a plan within the next five days or trying to understand communication patterns after just two dates is often labeled as “pressure” rather than basic interest.
Why Secure People Are Leaving the Apps
Drawing from his experience working in an adult attachment lab during grad school, Enrique theorizes that modern dating apps have created an environment that filters out the emotionally healthy.
He argues that securely attached people have a lower tolerance for inconsistency. When they encounter the ambiguity that defines today’s dating, they “back out really early and altogether just leave the apps.” Essentially, they self-select out of the pool because the lack of follow-through isn’t acceptable to them.
Consequently, the dating pool becomes dominated by those with avoidant attachment styles, who Enrique notes actually “thrive” on this baseline of inconsistency and ghosting scenarios. Simultaneously, anxiously attached daters get “trapped in the web of the apps” because the cycle of uncertainty followed by sudden reassurance creates an addictive “dopaminergic high” that keeps them engaged despite the frustration.
The Verdict
The result is a difficult reality for those who know what they want. As Enrique concludes, the friends who are “chalant,” emotionally available, and securely attached are “out here in the trenches,” fighting a system that seems designed to punish consistency.
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